Things I learned from drunk texting my ex boyfriend.

I was happier before I got an iPhone.

That was the original title of this post. I figured the other one would catch your eye more quickly. And I'm still hung over, so it's no less accurate. A productive hangover, but at the same time, one where I say to myself "I'm never drinking again."

I'll begin with saying this: I do believe that Apple makes beautiful, innovative products that help further society. I am not one of those people who believes that technology is ruining culture. Rather, I believe that inter-connectedness and social media can do anything from spreading awareness to saving lives. The internet is beautiful. I get to see my adorable cousins grow up on the opposite side of the country. I get to see shelter dogs on doggy death row find homes because someone posted a picture of them on Facebook. Cell phones protect us and our children- what if we get into a car accident? What if our kids are in danger and need a ride home? I will argue for those people any day.

However: for me, and for a lot of people I think, it's about learning where the line is drawn. Are we really gaining more by checking Twitter every thirty minutes instead of just once or twice a day? Or how about waking up at 3 am and realizing that somebody didn't text us back, and getting upset? What a great time to feel uncared for and suddenly awake- right when our bodies are needing the deepest relaxation of the day.

The worst is when we feel the need to check this shit while we are driving, our kids are in the backseat, and we are in a metal box flying at 55 mph next to other metal boxes that could KILL US INSTANTLY. Are we really that terrified of being alone, in our own head, with our own thoughts? Are we really that terrified of BEING PRESENT? And, I'll be honest because I do this, WHY do I wake up in the middle of the night half asleep and check MY EMAIL? Is it really that ingrained into my head that constant availability to others is normal?

I hear this one way too much: "But she didn't text me back."

I hate the fact that relationships can be broken over a text message. What happened to "actions speak louder than words?" Screw the wonderful times we've had in person with someone: her smile, the positive energy, the laughs, the way she looked at me- she didn't text me back so she doesn't care about me. Meanwhile, there are no guidelines in place that dictate what polite and impolite text messaging entails- It's really just our "worst case scenario" brain getting the best of us. I've been on both sides of the smart phone: the one who receives ten text messages from someone who thinks that because I didn't text back I don't care about them (although I was swamped at work and chose not to use my phone), and I've been the one desperately and angrily trying to get ahold of someone who doesn't want to use their phone at that time. I will say this: It. Ruins. Relationships.

Since when do we have an obligation to others that we need to be available constantly? Since when is choosing not to use our phone frowned upon? Since when am I rude for not texting someone back that day? Please, tell me, are there rules out there that say I must text someone back within a certain amount of time in order to be a good friend/girlfriend/sister/daughter/younameit? I am sick and tired of having my phone glued to my hip. I'm sick and tired of my habit to check my smart phone constantly, for no good reason. I'm sick and tired of the illusion that "I don't have any new text messages/notifications/messages from these people, so they must not care about me." And I'm sick and tired of seeing family dinners and gatherings get ruined by people sitting on their phones: "Let's all get dressed up, go out to dinner, and spend a lot of money just to sit on our phones and not be present with the people in front of us." I've waited tables where mother and daughter were sitting on their phones, not even looking at each other, barely talking the entire time. It's all bullshit, really.

I'm sick and tired of looking at the world through a tiny glowing screen.

Dancing at my mom's wedding was WAY more fun than tweeting about it:

So much more warm and fuzzy in person than on Instagram:

This is just a tiny dimension of the beauty I found here:

What's more fun than pinteresting the new Nike sneakers I want to run in? RUNNING IN THEM.

This is my brother Caden. He is mad that we are on our iPhones at dinner and not talking to him.

So, here's my New Years Resolution: I'm going to break my awful smart phone habits and check my phone when I feel like it. I choose to be constantly present with what is in a 360 degree view around me, not on a tiny little screen in the palm of my hand. If I decide to turn my phone off, I have the right to do so.

You want me to be available to you constantly? YOU pay my data plan.

A Tribute to Papa

The first time I ever heard my grandfather talk was at his funeral.

Literally. A stroke at the age of 54 left him without the ability to speak. An old recording of his voice was played at the end of the funeral service, which left me speechless. "That was what he sounded like? Wait, there's no way that voice goes with his face. Nope." The feeling was similar to when I saw a YouTube video of the guy who does the actual voice of Spongebob Squarepants. Only there were a heck of a lot more emotions strung along with it. I was never that attached to a talking sponge.

I am guilty of not knowing my grandfather. I didn't know that his entire family was from Alabama. I didn't know Lisa was his "favorite." I didn't know that when he was in high school, a group of his friends stole World War II harmless smokescreen "bombs." As a joke, they put them at one end of the old subway system. The Democrat and Chronicle headline the next day was "Rochester Main Street Up In Smoke." No one was ever caught. Although his father, who found one of the smoke bombs in the garage, had a pretty good feeling who it was. No, I didn't know him. I learned these things today.

But I did know that my grandfather lived for over 30 years after his stroke, despite being told it would be 10. And ten years after his stroke, his grandchildren were born, who he watched grow up and become adults. Every Christmas, every wedding, every Thanksgiving, every summer in the Adirondacks, we were together.

The biggest lesson he taught me is that communication goes far beyond words and talking- those things are merely a vehicle for expression. A smile, a hug, a kiss, a shrug, a fist-bump, and simply being "there;" those languages are equally valid. Silence speaks. With that said, listening also goes beyond hearing- it is watching, being present, looking into somebody's eyes, and understanding.

Yep yep, I have had many conversations with my grandfather.

I am so incredibly grateful of my grandparents. Many of my blessings in life are because of their love. The Large-Frey family, my family, has evolved over the years. The cottage has always remained the same. They are my wings and my roots, despite the fact that the name sounds like a McDonalds order. Which has been announced at more than one restaurant when our table is ready.

Sometimes family is your blood. Sometimes it's your neighbor who comes to your grandpa's funeral AND sister's grad party in the same weekend. Sometimes it's the friends who will stop at nothing to make sure you are okay. Family is your heart and soul, your support and your motivation, and it is not always your blood. I just consider myself biologically blessed.

Rest easy, Papa. We will have a lot to talk about when we meet again.

so close i can almost taste it

there is nothing more relieving for me, after an incredibly difficult week, than finding a creative outlet.

art

is a language

with many dialects

today, i choose to write

and writing

resulted in this blog post

hooray!

If you have a  dream,

you have a story.

And this is mine:

I put my entire tax return into a savings account for safe keeping. This weekend, I am selling most of what I own. I'm going to go live in the mountains all summer. Once the leaves begin to change, I'm getting in my car and driving away from NY until I've found what I've been looking for. I'll let you know when I do.

13 is my lucky number

and I don't want 2013 to be the year I live in Rochester

I want it to be the year I move away

I thought that happiness meant staying in my hometown,

and finding stability and prosperity.

I really felt that making the most out of where I am

was the key to success and finding my path.

But I realized that what I need isn't here.

And maybe making the most out of where I am

doesn't confine me to Rochester, NY.

Perhaps, it simply defines my place in life.

So what do I do?

Pack up my things at the end of summer?

Drive to places I've never been?

With nobody I know,

and no guarantees?

There are no guarantees here, either.

And I'm not getting any younger.

Here's the thing: We don't truly dream and desire things that are out of our reach. If we wish it, there's a reason. Often times, the things we want most in life are also the things we have to work the hardest for. But the minute we begin to lose track, lose ourselves in the process, we must harness our inner calm and patience to ground us. And then, move forward once more.

We don't get handed things in life by wishing for them, we earn them by working for them. We receive what we give away, in a constant flow. Give love, and receive love. Work for independence, and gain it. And, within the hard work, take time to be present and enjoy what is. Because now is all there is, was, and ever will be.

now is always where we are.

my dreams were sparks turned into an inferno,
a force of nature.

you can't put out the fire inside of me

my soul won't stand for anyone who is less than what I need.

13

maybe that's the plan

to not have a plan

to laugh and take pictures

and live life

tell me something.

what would you do if life handed you the money and said "go?" put the perfect person right in front of you and said "be with them?" would you? or would you go back to the same mundane, meaningless habits otherwise known as your "comfort zone?"

back away.
back away slowly,
and then turn around and
bolt
towards that open door
when you have the chance.

life
is not meant to be meaningless
it is meant to be an adventure,
burning with passion, meaning and purpose.
chances are you already know exactly what your heart wants.

i know what mine does
and i'm going to live it

hop in my car with a suitcase and a little money
and drive across the country
until i've found what i've been looking for

what is most important is that you remove your fears from that microscope that has become your vision and expand your horizon a bit. don't let someone else be your world. you are your world. you deserve people who treat you with kindness, compassion and love. don't accept anything less, and people will know to step up their game. your happiness isn't determined by others or having the right circumstances. do things and make time for things you love to do. own your power. shine outward, brightly and strongly in all directions. you'll never know all that you can have until you own yourself, your power, and all that you are capable of.

be yourself.
express your art
get into shape
take in the world with eyes of love
inspire
allow yourself to be inspired
simplify
heal yourself
cut ties with anything less than what you are
cry when you need to
laugh when you need to
free yourself.

"listen to the mustn'ts, child

listen to the don'ts

listen to the shouldn'ts,

the impossibles,

the won'ts

listen to the never haves,

then listen close to me...

anything can happen, child

anything can be."

Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

This picture was taken just after the sun rose on freshly fallen white snow:

Sadly, this Christmas did not come without tragedy. Shortly after the Newtown, CT shooting, two firefighters in our own beloved city were shot and killed while responding to a call on Christmas eve. I honor them, and all of those people who sacrifice spending the holidays with their families to work and save lives. Now, more than ever, we must focus on the love that is around us and appreciate what we have:

Life is so beautiful when we not only allow it to be, but will it. Try with all your might to look at your fears and dreams with nothing but love and compassion for yourself, and change your perspective so that you no longer accept fears anymore. Say "these thoughts no longer work for me, I change them" whenever you fall into a fear mindset. Relief comes with patience, but the present is all we have. Change now for a better future.

.............

Christmas from a camera:

Snapshots of recent life:

Sooner or later, we all have a choice to make. And they all have to do with time. How we spend our time, where we spend our time, who we spend time with. These small day-to-day decisions can completely alter the course of our lives. When can we fall comfortably and say "I am exactly where I need to be?"

This has been my own personal struggle recently. I find comfort and guidance in the belief that we should never surround ourselves with anything or anyone that makes us feel less than what we are. If our choices bring us feelings of wholeness, oneness, completeness, and give us opportunities to help others and make a better world, I think we are on track. But we don't always know where our choices are going to bring us... and that is where we have to surrender to our heart's guidance.

Surrender.

There are two steps for a happy life.

Step 1: Do something that you are passionate about, that fills up your cup, that makes you happy, for nobody else but yourself.

Step 2: Do something that isn't for you, but rather, do something completely selfless for another person, with all of the good and love in your heart. 

lastly, in the wise words of Rodney Atkins:

"Let love be the rock we're standing on"

Home sweet blog!

I have not done this in awhile,

but I'm happy to start back up :)

I'll start by saying life has been difficult lately

between school and work,

as well as day-to-day problems

I feel completely stuck

and bogged down.

I know that anxiety can be healthy... it is what illuminates where changes need to be made in our lives

As long as we don't get trapped by it

So, I can feel the winds of change again.

I'm just waiting to see where they will take me this time.

I'll start this blog with a list.

I was feeling really crappy the other day,

and I finally decided to stop my negative thoughts

right in their path

and I tried meditation.

It was incredible and I finally felt like I was able to let go of certain things.

I was super relaxed, and got a random burst of inspiration

to make this list

of things to live by

that will help me (or anybody)

get through a difficult time.

I hope this list might be able to help someone else as well.

1) Separate your higher mind from your ego and listen to your higher mind

2) Have a sense of humor. Sometimes my higher mind likes to talk in a British accent.

3) The first step to any healing is to love yourself

4) Say how you appreciate the little things in life... "I appreciate _____"

5) Pray often. Listen and watch for the answers.

6) Give love to others whenever possible

7) Protect yourself

8) Find ways to surround yourself with loving situations whenever possible

9) Get your mind at it's best possible acting power

10) Learn a different language

11) Stick with your goals

12) Stop negative thoughts in their tracks and replace them with a positive one

13) Detox. Release. Let go... Breathe in, breathe out, move on.

14) Clean often and frequently

15) Don't try to plan, let things fall into their place on their own

16) Subtle hints are all around you. The more you make an effort, the easier it's gonna be to change

17) Transcend

Really, a big key to living a happy life is to be present. There is beauty all around us. Much of our joy comes from new adventures and experiences, which can take place anywhere. Yes I have lived in Rochester my entire life, I cannot wait to move, and I feel like there are very few things here that I have not yet experienced... which is one reason why I feel stuck. So yesterday I went for a drive. It's amazing the change in my mindset just from driving down roads I've never been down before. It solidified in my mind how much I need new experiences to be a part of my day-to-day life, not just a once in awhile luxury. I cannot wait to travel the world. I can't wait to experience all that I want to experience. But here is some good advice a friend gave to me a little while ago: 

"That's the problem with people our age. We want the world but not the obligation that comes with having the world. It's not all just going to come to us no consequence, because now for the most part, we're out on our own. We have to earn our experiences."

I am in Rochester right now to work to get to where I want to be next. It's not gonna be easy. But that shouldn't mean I can't enjoy the journey of getting to where I want to go. So I'll settle for a beautiful drive to a local place I have never been before:

"The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the only important thing is not to allow that to scare you."

I started this post with a list, and I will also finish this post with a list.

A VERY important one.

And if you are reading this you have to swear that you will make one as well, because we all need something to live for, something that is for nobody else but ourselves. Too often we give up our dreams for others.

my bucket list.

to learn Gaelic and go to the Aran Islands off the coast of Ireland... also, to explore the rest of Ireland

drive up the Pacific Coast Highway from San Fran to Seattle

Alaska for the Iditarod

London, England

France, Spain, Italy... travel all across Europe

Great Wall of China

To go on a meditation/yoga retreat someplace beautiful that I've never been before

Live in Australia/New Zealand

Rio!

Macchu Picchu

Patagonia

Galapagos Islands

Skydive

Horseback ride along the ocean

See a tornado

Teach at FLSM

Road trip across the US

Donate $1000 to a good cause

Climb all of the high peaks in the adirondacks

Own land, grow my own food, be self sustainable

Start a family

Run the color run

Run a marathon

Take dance classes

Live outdoors

Grow out my hair really long

Learn more about plant medicine

Start my own business

Trace back my ancestry as far back as possible.

Drive the road to Hana in Hawaii

Sleep under the stars with someone I love

Get into the best shape of my entire life

Couch surf

Actually learn how to surf

See a concert at Red Rocks

Sing

Publish a book

Learn the ukulele

Build my own house

Live on an island

Get really good at cooking healthy food

See the northern lights

Change the life of somebody younger than me for the better

Love someone from the deepest depths of my heart and soul, and be loved the same way in return.

Have a library in my house

Build a beautiful piece of furniture

Make and maintain friendships from all over the world

Swim with dolphins

Go on a kayaking trip

Be completely debt free

Use a bike as my main form of transportation for a period of time

Iceland hot springs

Salar de Uyuni, Bolivia

Go on a stargazing tour

live free.

someone, somewhere once said:

"I don't care if this is nuts,

and I don't care if it hurts.

I'm going to climb this insanely high mountain.

Watch me"

I'm happy as can be. A part of me though is ready for a change, some kind of a shift. Warmer weather would be a nice start. Then again, I tend to make that the solution to everything in life. And it's a damn good one. Unfortunately, I have little to no control over the weather in Ithaca, NY. Therefore, I'm trying to find alternate solutions. Another good solution would be for me to have an extra day in my week that nobody else knew about. An extra 24 hours of time to get shit done with no external obligations. Again, unfortunately, I have little to no control over time. Or time warping. Bother.

That would be pretty cool, though.

I feel like i'm living out the same routine every day, and the minute I get presented with free time, I don't know what the hell to do with myself. Being in school 9-5 or 9-7:15 five days a week is getting increasingly difficult. I love it to death, I wouldn't trade any of it for the world, and I love everybody in my class. BUT I'M TIRED!!!! haha. Two more months and I'll be missing the hell out of FLSM. I won't, however, miss having my days consumed by class.

I feel like there is something more for me within this illusion of chaos right now. I hope to find it soon. I may not know what it is, how to find it, or how it plays into reality. I'm trying to surrender everything and embrace the silence, and this beautiful time of my life, regardless of external complications.

Really, life is beautiful.